Yesterday was wonderful. New years eve at my friends house with many new people. You know when you're all nervous and worried about only knowing one person at a party? Well it didn't even matter. There were so many nice and interesting people, my night was filled with really inspiring discussion and odd questions, that for some reason made me feel really self-assured about how I'm moving forward in my life.
I haven't felt like I was in the right place at the right time for years. I haven't felt like the choices I was making (even though they were made for the right reasons) were the right choices ever in my short adult life. But I guess sometimes your supposed to ask for answers. But they don't always come right away. They don't always get answered when you're crying in a pile on your bathroom floor. They unfold. and then eventually, they gently speak to you in both ears from all sides. From every corner. From every mouth that opens to speak to you. That's how it felt yesterday. All these people I didn't know, asking me about the things I love, the things I miss, regrets I have, what last year meant to me, and it all unraveled into one big reassurance that all of the pain and challenges were meant to happen. 2012 is really a new chapter. A new start.
Here's something I never knew: you don't just get the answers. When you're alone, when you're lost, when you feel hopeless. When you're so numb the world seems unreal. When you're so sad your body hurts. When you ask "why?" and no one speaks. When you are looking for them, the answers don't come. I think it must be hard to watch. Knowing that you have the ability to help someone but you can't, because they're not ready yet.
No. You get the answers after you're resolved. When you think you don't need them anymore. When you're ready to move on. And just then, all the mouths open, and speak the words you maybe already knew.
I feel now more than ever that moving to Madison, moving out of my family's house and pursuing the things I love is the right choice. I still feel insecure and anxious about it. I'm completely afraid of making the same mistakes that I did in seattle. But I feel confident that this move is the right one. that this next year is going to be a great adventure.
I even got pulled over for the first time today. For going 10 over the speed limit. I didn't get a ticket. He was the nicest police officer I've ever met (and I've only met them for non-crime related reasons). And somehow those blue and red lights seemed to bright. Too bold. Too well timed. He let me go. I felt stupid but still great for some reason.
Its been a really difficult few years. But right now, at this very moment, I have more hope than I've ever had that I'm doing the right things. And that 2012 is truly a year for new beginnings.
-B
Monday, January 18, 2016
January 1, 2012
Yesterday was wonderful. New years eve at my friends house with many new people. You know when you're all nervous and worried about only knowing one person at a party? Well it didn't even matter. There were so many nice and interesting people, my night was filled with really inspiring discussion and odd questions, that for some reason made me feel really self-assured about how I'm moving forward in my life.
I haven't felt like I was in the right place at the right time for years. I haven't felt like the choices I was making (even though they were made for the right reasons) were the right choices ever in my short adult life. But I guess sometimes your supposed to ask for answers. But they don't always come right away. They don't always get answered when you're crying in a pile on your bathroom floor. They unfold. and then eventually, they gently speak to you in both ears from all sides. From every corner. From every mouth that opens to speak to you. That's how it felt yesterday. All these people I didn't know, asking me about the things I love, the things I miss, regrets I have, what last year meant to me, and it all unraveled into one big reassurance that all of the pain and challenges were meant to happen. 2012 is really a new chapter. A new start.
Here's something I never knew: you don't just get the answers. When you're alone, when you're lost, when you feel hopeless. When you're so numb the world seems unreal. When you're so sad your body hurts. When you ask "why?" and no one speaks. When you are looking for them, the answers don't come. I think it must be hard to watch. Knowing that you have the ability to help someone but you can't, because they're not ready yet.
No. You get the answers after you're resolved. When you think you don't need them anymore. When you're ready to move on. And just then, all the mouths open, and speak the words you maybe already knew.
I feel now more than ever that moving to Madison, moving out of my family's house and pursuing the things I love is the right choice. I still feel insecure and anxious about it. I'm completely afraid of making the same mistakes that I did in seattle. But I feel confident that this move is the right one. that this next year is going to be a great adventure. I even got pulled over for the first time today. For going 10 over the speed limit. I didn't get a ticket. He was the nicest police officer I've ever met (and I've only met them for non-crime related reasons). And somehow those blue and red lights seemed to bright. Too bold. Too well timed. He let me go. I felt stupid but still great for some reason. Its been a really difficult few years. But right now, at this very moment, I have more hope than I've ever had that I'm doing the right things. And that 2012 is truly a year for new beginnings. -B
I haven't felt like I was in the right place at the right time for years. I haven't felt like the choices I was making (even though they were made for the right reasons) were the right choices ever in my short adult life. But I guess sometimes your supposed to ask for answers. But they don't always come right away. They don't always get answered when you're crying in a pile on your bathroom floor. They unfold. and then eventually, they gently speak to you in both ears from all sides. From every corner. From every mouth that opens to speak to you. That's how it felt yesterday. All these people I didn't know, asking me about the things I love, the things I miss, regrets I have, what last year meant to me, and it all unraveled into one big reassurance that all of the pain and challenges were meant to happen. 2012 is really a new chapter. A new start.
Here's something I never knew: you don't just get the answers. When you're alone, when you're lost, when you feel hopeless. When you're so numb the world seems unreal. When you're so sad your body hurts. When you ask "why?" and no one speaks. When you are looking for them, the answers don't come. I think it must be hard to watch. Knowing that you have the ability to help someone but you can't, because they're not ready yet.
No. You get the answers after you're resolved. When you think you don't need them anymore. When you're ready to move on. And just then, all the mouths open, and speak the words you maybe already knew.
I feel now more than ever that moving to Madison, moving out of my family's house and pursuing the things I love is the right choice. I still feel insecure and anxious about it. I'm completely afraid of making the same mistakes that I did in seattle. But I feel confident that this move is the right one. that this next year is going to be a great adventure. I even got pulled over for the first time today. For going 10 over the speed limit. I didn't get a ticket. He was the nicest police officer I've ever met (and I've only met them for non-crime related reasons). And somehow those blue and red lights seemed to bright. Too bold. Too well timed. He let me go. I felt stupid but still great for some reason. Its been a really difficult few years. But right now, at this very moment, I have more hope than I've ever had that I'm doing the right things. And that 2012 is truly a year for new beginnings. -B
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